Allow Me to Introduce Myself… Part Two

 

    Next I think I’ll talk about my greatest struggle in life. It’s something that people like me don’t always like talking about, but I’m not ashamed by it.

            I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was fourteen years old. Prior to that, I had been in therapy since I was five years old, when I was mistakenly diagnosed with A.D.D. and put on medications that sent me spiraling out of control. I was originally resistant to the medications, but I think every kid is. I mean, when you’re a kid who has to go to the nurse’s office in school every day, all the other kids think you’re uncool and give you a hard time. I was heavily bullied in middle school for several reasons, including the medications and my father abandoning me. I was different, and with kids, different isn’t good. I was also suffering with insanity, bordering on schizophrenia due to this, and the stimulant medications to a guy with excess energy just made everything worse. Ultimately I had a split and a breakdown the day before I was supposed to start high school. It was… well it was really bad and I was put in a mental hospital for almost an entire month. That was when it was made clear to the doctors that I didn’t have A.D.D. and rather was bipolar and was put on a whole new regimen of medications, which was why I was in the hospital for so long, to make sure I was stable and didn’t have side effects.

            So I started high school on October 1, 2002, and it wasn’t easy. The bullying was worse due to the news of my breakdown circulating through the school. I even attempted suicide several times. I was placed in a special program in my high school for students going through mental illness and similar conditions, which I was resistant to at first. It made me seem like even more of a freak. Probably the only reason I’m alive today and writing this is because Mister Popular took pity on me and protected me from the bullies. I came to appreciate the program as my time in high school went on and the bullying eventually subsided. The medications did help me, but I did spend time in a youth hospital after a suicide attempt.

            When I started college, I tried to keep my head down and not be noticed, and college students are supposed to be more mature than high school students, but it really didn’t go well. As I previously stated, I ended up having too much of a good time and went back to my old town.

            Time went on, and in 2014, I resisted taking my medications after going through a period of bad nightmares after the death of my dog Casper and was put in a lockdown unit once and hospitalized two times voluntarily that year. I was placed in an outpatient program after the first stay. I was resistant to the program at first. I didn’t want to be there, but after graduating in six weeks, I practically didn’t want to leave, and after being discharged from the hospital the second time I actually asked to go back to the program. I started having therapy sessions weekly after that. I know some people hate therapy, but my monthly sessions didn’t suffice, and talking about my problems weekly really makes me feel better and I have a very good rapport with my current therapist. I also got an emotional support bearded dragon, who really helps.

            I stopped being embarrassed by my condition in 2015 when I decided to try to teach other people with my condition or similar conditions and the rest of the world that there is nothing wrong with being mentally ill, nothing wrong with therapy, and nothing wrong with medications and started Bipolar Opposites, which was a YouTube program in which I talked about mental health on a regular basis, and also about topics in general that pertain to entertainment or just random things I felt like talking about, but I discontinued the program from lack of viewership. This blog is my next step in reaching out to the world. And on a side note, I’m always on top of my medications, being the first thing I do in the morning, and at a set scheduled time at night. So if you’re reading this and have mental illness, well, you’re in good company and have nothing to be ashamed of.

            Well, I think this is a good place to stop for now, but I’ll post in a few more days to continue to talk about my personal life, and I hope you’ll be back to read more, and if you haven’t read my first post yet, I encourage you to read it to learn more about me. Until next time, Tim Cubbin… out!