B'ings: Peter Parker/Spider-Man

 

            Hey, all, welcome to another B’ing. My name is Tim Cubbin, obviously, or this blog would make no sense being called “From the Mind of One Tim Cubbin.” Okay, maybe there is a way, like I’m WRITING about One Tim Cubbin and I’m not Tim Cubbin myself, but yes, I am One Tim Cubbin.

            Anyway, for those of you who don’t know what a B’ing is and you’re just reading this because this is about Peter Parker/Spider-Man, this is, essentially, my complaint department. Oh, you think you get “B’ing” now. If not, well, it’s okay, just keep reading, anyway.

            Okay, now, I am a HUGE Spider-Man fan, have loved him since I was five years old. Every Saturday morning, my dad and I would get up and watch his cartoon. That said, I’m not telling you WHICH Spider-Man cartoon as I don’t wish to give away my age in B’ings, and there have been, like, ten Spider-Man cartoons or so, but use your imagination, I am be old or REALLY old, your guess. Anyone who knows me personally (and I know some of you do) knows that I am a MAJOR Marvel fan. I read LITERALLY every current comic series and always go to the movies opening day and watch the shows the first day they air. But there’s always been something that bothers me about Spidey: how does no one know his secret identity? And I mean the comics, NOT “Far From Home” (kind of a spoiler there). Work with me here. Now, if anyone has read “The Amazing Spider-Man” from 1963 issue #2 (again, am I old or REALLY old) may recall that when Peter sold his first Spidey photos to J. Jonah Jameson he made the deal that Jameson must never ask HOW Peter got such good photos of Spider-Man. Um, right there, that’s kind of a red flag. I mean, he got close up pictures of the Vulture. In 1963, they didn’t have the awesome photo capabilities we enjoy today. He’d LITERALLY have to be in the Vulture’s face to get that shot, and the Vulture CLEARLY did NOT notice a photographer in his face. Oh, and that leads to ANOTHER stupid observation. HOW THE HECK DOES PETER GET THESE SHOTS? I mean, yeah there was a timer mechanism, but HOW did he get the camera to FOLLOW the action? Riddle me that. Okay, though, that is not the point I meant to focus on, though. The point I’m here to make today is how he hid his secret identity, so let’s get back to that. Let’s go back to “Amazing Fantasy” #15 (the first appearance of Spider-Man). Peter is described to be a scrawny bookworm. Then, all of a sudden, he has muscles? HOW did this happen? How do you explain THAT? Steroids? Sure as heck NOT! A gym? When would he have the time? Okay, now we get to the biggest and most obvious observation which any Spidey consumer knows. Peter Parker and Spider-Man very rarely show up at the same time! (I say rarely because there have been many instances that they’re both there at the same time, but that’s because of an imposter, a robot, or a clone). And when Peter goes to be Spider-Man, he always has a lame excuse that he suddenly remembered a dentist’s appointment, something he forgot he had to get or a place he had to go to, or he needed to do something for Aunt May. These lame excuses should be OBVIOUS for anyone with a brain to put together (even Flash Thompson should be able to figure THAT out). And there have been many instances where Peter has been publicly unmasked, and his excuse is he was going to a party or some other lame reason he had to wear the costume (usually the explanation to the consumer is Peter was sick or not at full strength and that’s why this happened). And, come on, Aunt May isn’t stupid, she’s just old. She should KNOW Peter was sneaking out of her place like that. Although, I have to say, in the movies “The Amazing Spider-Man” and “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” I always had the suspicion that Sally Field’s Aunt May portrayal knew Peter was Spider-Man and didn’t say anything. But again, I’m talking about the main comics here. And yes, in 2001, Aunt May did discover he was Spider-Man, but she should have known WAY before then. And in “Civil War” in 2006 he unmasked to the world on camera, but made a deal to make everyone forget he was Spider-Man, which I always thought was REALLY LAME! There are many instances and circumstances where his secret identity should be just plain obvious. But again, I am a HUGE, lifelong Spidey fan, but this has ALWAYS bothered me (and I was a five year old when I first became a fan, and this bothered A FIVE YEAR OLD?).

            And with that, I’m wrapping up this edition of B’ings! Hope you enjoyed my complaints and seriously consider this (even though this is kind of a joke), and keep checking out for more B’ings. Until next time, Tim Cubbin… out!